listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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