Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
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Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
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And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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