so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
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He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
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You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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