mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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