Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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