he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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