My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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