If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
