I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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