I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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