Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
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she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
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My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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