Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
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Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
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could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize