Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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