I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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