Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
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He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
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Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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