I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just puked most of my soul out..
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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