I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
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please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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