Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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