Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
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