Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
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Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
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I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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