If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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