Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
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He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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