pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
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Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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