you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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