I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
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I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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