who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
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Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
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Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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