a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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