If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
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If its not for food we ain't going out.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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