i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
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you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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