she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
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You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
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Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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