I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
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just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
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btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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