Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
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2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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