I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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