How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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