Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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