the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
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Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
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I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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