Apparently you make a good broom.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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