Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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