you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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