k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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