It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
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Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
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This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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