i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize