phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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