I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
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They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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