Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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