Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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