On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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