Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I am mentally ready for anal.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize