tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize