I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
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She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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