I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
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Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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